Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
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Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?