The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
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“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it