I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
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Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
#Caturday
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.