UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
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Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.