Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
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ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
is this store having a stroke wtf
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}