me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
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I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
You got this…
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Wednesday
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire