[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
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inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.