the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
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I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain