I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
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Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.