conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
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I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE