gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
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So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
This is my brand.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest