I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
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Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
how to have an accident 101
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.