Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
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[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming