When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
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[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?