Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
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wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Coffee for people with no kids
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit