Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
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Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Great acting.. 😂
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot