If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
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Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.