Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
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Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
my first day as a raccoon
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
who will stop them
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early