Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
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My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Okay, I’m still confused…
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.