Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
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Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
who wore it better?
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew