Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
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“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
😂😂😂
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.