I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
You Might Also Like
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough