My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
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Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Simple
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Put my back out twerking in the library again
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
my dog when i have a friend over
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?