Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
You Might Also Like
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
socratic questions
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
I am patiently waiting for your email
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
*ernest hemingway voice*
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets