Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
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being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
🚲+physics = winner
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.