[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
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“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
WHO DID THIS?
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
I am patiently waiting for your email
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Holy shit he’s back
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.