“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
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I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep