God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
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Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Weirdly Wednesday.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
❤️🦆
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends