IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
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Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
The only equipped I am is ill.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.