leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
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Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients