I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
You Might Also Like
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Here’s a meme
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.