Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
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Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
i dont have time for this
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?