Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
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I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Same post same
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
favorite tropes as memes
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent