From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
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today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
The pasta is now
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Not my job 😂
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
I gave up going to work for lent.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain