When you want your ball, but you don鈥檛 want to get wet
馃幘馃挧馃挦
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[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Me: I鈥檓 a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
I鈥檇 pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we鈥檙e supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl鈥檚 locker room.
Good news, I don鈥檛 have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can鈥檛 the stuffed donkey I鈥檓 friends with is clinically depressed
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem