*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
You Might Also Like
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
estão todos miauvindo?
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
THIS HEADLINE
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….