What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
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“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time