Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
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My god she’s good.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Yoga Matt
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX