FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
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Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
A great tip. #CakeRex
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza