“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
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turtles are just lizards who work in construction
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
New mindset, who dis?
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Good morning!
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV