The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
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My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
This might be me.
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Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.