“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
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HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night