Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
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Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.