The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
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Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT