Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
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Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.