Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
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ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”