FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
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Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.