[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
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*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl