5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
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i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
I love art.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down