People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
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Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.